We took the kids out shopping the other night. We needed a few groceries, and J needed a few new clothes for kindergarten in September, so we went to Superstore. When it was time to leave, it was teeming rain outside. I had to make a dash for the car, and did my best to get the kids, my wife, and the groceries in the car without getting too drenched.
After having returned home, the kids were bathed, and put in their pajamas. My wife took J into his room for some stories, and I snuggled with E in our bed until he fell asleep. One small issue though: the location of E's soother. Yes, he's 2, and yes, he still has a soother. He has Goddamn leukemia, so don't try to lecture me on how we should take it away from him. It's small, it provides him comfort, and to be honest, I'm going to let him keep it until he's ready to be rid of it on his own. Anyway, the soother, we couldn't find it. We found a spare, and he happily took that, but I was bothered that his regular one was missing.
Where was the soother? The last place I remembered seeing it was at Superstore. Then the mess of the rain while we were trying to leave. He probably threw it on the floor while we cashed out, or when we were watching the rain at the entrance. Ugggh, it was probably lost.
After getting E to sleep, I hunted around the house for it, in case E came in the door and put it somewhere. I went out to the car, and looked around his car seat, and on the floor. I opened the trunk, and checked the stroller. Nothing. I was upset that it was missing, and started to have some swirling, stuck thoughts. All I could think about was the soother, and where it might have been lost. I searched my memory, trying to recall when I had last seen him with it, but I couldn't come up with anything.
Anyone who is still reading this far into my post is probably wondering why I'm so attached to a soother, and why I'm feeling upset that it's gone. Soothers are cheap - you can buy them for a few bucks at many stores. Well, it's not the soother I was upset about, it was the soother clip. He's had it since he was a baby, and it has an outer space scene with rocket ships & planets. Soothers have come, and gone, worn out, and been replaced, but the one constant has been the soother clip. I think in part because he's had it so long is the reason I have an emotional attachment to the soother clip. I've seen E with it for most of his life, and it's an item that traces back to before he had cancer. To have it suddenly be gone was upsetting to me.
We ended up finding it the next day; E had put it on a chair in the living room, and it was in a difficult-to-see spot.
I'm not sure whether it's an anxiety thing, if I have undiagnosed OCD, or if it's something else altogether, but every now and then, I have thoughts that get stuck. I feel like these thoughts consume me, and take most of my focus, until the issue can be resolved. To make matters worse, it's often over something small, and not overly significant, such as "I need to find my [blank]", or "I can't find the kids' toy [blank] that completes the set". Sometimes it's about a bigger life issue, and that just makes me completely miserable. Once in a while it can be a good thing: if I'm trying to solve a problem, or fix something, I'll focus on the issue until I find a solution. Even if it may take a couple of days.
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