26) Big ugly cry

I cried yesterday for probably the first time since E was diagnosed with leukemia.

My parents had driven out to watch J and E for us so that we could take a break for a few hours. We were in the car, on our way to lunch and a movie when it happened. It was a big, ugly cry, one where my wife asked if I needed to pull over. I managed to get my emotions back under control, and we continued on our way.

The last month has been pretty awful. It's been sickness after sickness for E, with his brother J also getting in on the action. J has been ramping up his antisocial behaviour at both daycare and at home. It has been going on for a little more than 2 years, and we're at our wit's end about what to do. Name an avenue, and we've probably tried it with J. Every day last week, he attacked one of his classmates, and Friday morning was the meltdown to end all meltdowns about not wanting to go to daycare. To say the least, we've been under quite a lot of stress that's over and above the stress you have when your child has cancer. I'm having problems both falling asleep and staying asleep; my overtiredness has done nothing to help my mental state. I've been experiencing heart palpitations, random chest pains, and generalized anxiety. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I lie in bed and my whole body vibrates, as if a physical manifestation of my stress. My wife and I are both concerned about J's almost daily outbursts and moodiness, but I can't begin to have an in-depth discussion about it. My head hurts, and my brain just shuts down. My plate is full, and I can't take on anything else.

I feel that my existence in the last 4 months has been a dichotomy. I've experienced unbelievable lows, but happy moments as well. There are times of unbearable stress, but also times of almost inner peace. I feel both empathetic, and detached: I'm bothered to see that E is screaming and upset while the nurses access his port, but I don't have an emotional response. I feel numb, and coldhearted.

My family doctor tells me that this is a normal response to a situation like ours. It's the brain's way of protecting itself so that you can move past the stress in order to survive get things done. I suppose her explanation alleviates some of my worries that I'm broken or that something is wrong with me, but it's difficult. I still can't help but think that I shouldn't feel so emotionally detached, or guilty over some of the dark thoughts that pop into my head.

Seemingly, I hit my breaking point on Saturday. My stressors got the best of me and the emotions and tears came flooding out. And yes, I did feel better afterward.