It's November and the number of days left in 2017 grows short. It's been about 3.5 months since E's diagnosis. July 22nd feels as though it happened both yesterday and ages ago. Transporting myself back to that awful day, I could not picture my life 3.5 days out, let alone 3.5 months. I sometimes don't know how we've manged, but on the other hand, there is no other option, so we make our way as best we can.
Life has been unsettled, especially since Thanksgiving. E has been through so much with chemo, hand-foot-mouth, croup, a fever, a cold, a lumbar puncture, and more chemo. We've spent so much time at the hospital, it feels like we should have our own ID badges. It's difficult to watch your child constantly get knocked down. And yet, he still smiles and laughs, and wants to run around and play.
I've been feeling extra stress and anxiety as of late, and I've been having problems sleeping at night. E has us up 2 - 3 times in the overnight hours because he's hungry, or unsettled, but my insomnia problems are in addition to waking up with him. When I do sleep, at least this past week, I seem to be plagued by a recurring dream: I'm being stalked or harassed by a dangerous person or entity. I wake up to the inky blackness of late autumn, and the details seem unclear and evaporate quickly. It never seems to be exactly the same dream twice: the people and setting will change, but I'm always pursued by someone or something who is bad or evil. The dream stuck with me a bit more last night, and today I've had the resulting swirling thoughts in my head. My sleep has been terrible, and I honestly don't know how I got through this week since I feel like I can barely function. I cast a critical glare whenever I see my reflection; the dark circles under my eyes, or my sunken cheeks must give people pause when I approach. Don't worry, I might look and feel like a zombie, but I am most definitely not going to eat your brain.
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