20) The look

I noticed it for the first time today.

The look.

The look of pity when someone sees your child, and realizes that they are sick and dealing with a serious disease.

We had a few errands to run and were out in a store when I noticed a woman look over at my son. She didn't notice me watching, but her gaze didn't linger on E for very long. She cast her eyes downward and her mouth tightened up into a frown. This was the first time I've noticed someone flash a look of pity at my son, and I don't know how to feel. I'm not angry, or annoyed, or irritated, but I hadn't noticed a random person recognizing the seriousness of my son's illness before, and I'm not sure what to think.

E doesn't have any hair right now. It started falling out in mid to late August, and we shaved his head rather than watch it get patchy and disappear. Normally when we are out with him, he's wearing a hat. For most of September, and thus far into October, the weather in Southern Ontario has been fantastic. It was a warm day today, and we left his hat at home because we knew he wouldn't be cold. I've recently been wondering what people see when they look at him and see his bald head. Do they see him as a seriously ill little boy, or do they see him as a big-for-his-age infant who hasn't had his hair grow in yet? I may be biased because he's my son, but I genuinely think that he looks cute without his hair. I think it makes him look younger than his 17 months, and I almost don't recall what he looked like before his hair started falling out.

Seeing "the look" tells me that people recognize what our family is going through. I guess I don't have to have it all figured out in terms of what to think, or how to feel. He has cancer, and people recognize it as such. We're not trying to hide it, and we're not embarrassed by it. It is just a strange, almost out-of-body experience when you can see your own situation as observed through the eyes of another.