Today we attended a family function. Nothing big, just a Victoria Day BBQ at my in-laws' house. My mother-in-law, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law & his wife, my sister-in-law & her husband, as well as my three nephews. Add in my wife, J, E, & me, and that makes 8 adults & 5 kids (all boys) with ages of 6, 5, 4, 2, and 2.
My in-laws have a nice big back yard, and it's great during the warm weather seasons because it gives the active boys a place to run around and blow off some steam. The oldest two cousins generally get along well with each-other. Given the fact J is a bit younger, and three makes a crowd, things can get a little volatile once you throw him into the mix. J has toned it down a bit since turning 4, and he's been much better about getting on with his two older cousins as of late.
Once everyone had arrived, I noticed the oldest three boys grouped up. They started to play a running/chasing game. Not even a minute into the game, I saw J and E's 2 year old cousin race after the older boys to join them in their game. This 2 year old cousin is only 4 months older than E. I looked over at E, hopeful that he might see the group having fun, and run after them too. He was more interested in climbing the stairs, or climbing on chairs. He showed no interest in joining his older cousins in their game, and was focused on his own independent play.
My heart sank. I pointed it out to my wife, suggesting that E hasn't learned how to play with other kids. Unlike his slightly older cousin, he hasn't had the opportunity to play with a group of kids in daycare. E and J play together at home, so perhaps I'm reading too much into this. Maybe he was just more interested in climbing at that particular moment. Maybe E was just cranky because this is steroid week, and he didn't want to run with the other kids. Maybe I'm trying to compare different stages of development when I shouldn't be. A 4 month difference seems insignificant to me, but at the tender age of 2, I suppose 4 months contains a considerable amount of cognitive development. At that age, a 4 month gap is 1/6th your entire life.
I feel that I should point out that I'm not feeling jealousy, envy, or resentment about this. What I am feeling is worry, and anxiety. I also feel like my eyes were opened today. I feel like I'm hyper-aware that E has the potential to be behind his peers because of the cancer, or because of late and long term effects of the chemotherapy. Seeing him not join his cousins in play earlier today has only highlighted it in neon yellow marker. The doctors tell us that E was diagnosed at such a young age, he likely won't remember any of the terrible needle pokes, hospital stays, or short term chemo side-effects. While I believe that to be true, I also believe that the experiences he has (or is unable to have because of his leukemia) all subconsciously help to shape his personality and persona. E has things that he is forced to do, such as chemotherapy & needle pokes, as well as the things he's unable to do, such as attending daycare. How will such experiences, or absence of experiences affect his childhood development? At what point do I feel relief that he is at the stage he always should have been? Why did this all have to happen? What will..... Sometimes, it's all too much.
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