45) My fuzzy peach

Taken 2018-02-13. My fuzzy peach.

E's hair has grown back a little bit in the past couple of weeks. His head somewhat resembles a fuzzy peach.

The weather here in the Greater Toronto Area has been weird lately. Last Friday-Saturday-Sunday (February 9th-11th), we had off-and-on snow for nearly 3 days, resulting in some accumulation on the ground. Maybe 20-25 cm where we live. This time, the snow fell on the weekend, and when we had no appointments, so I was able to shovel the sidewalk in a timely manner without feeling guilty. When the snow stopped, it got cold. On Monday February 12th, we could have pulled J to daycare on his plastic sled. The other day (Wednesday February 14th), we had quite a thaw, and we actually pulled the wagon out of the garage, and comfortably walked to pick up J from daycare. I think it did E a bit of good to go for a ride and get some fresh air. Of course, we kept him outside at the daycare, with my wife going in to gather J and his belongings.

We were supposed to begin Interim Maintenance II this week, but a trip to our satellite hospital for some bloodwork before heading to SickKids showed that E's neutrophil counts were 0.3. Anything less than 0.5 is considered neutropenic. Because he was neutropenic, our trip to SickKids was cancelled and bumped back by a week in hopes that his counts will go up. A pediatrician checked out E's ears, and while there was no redness, he did tell us that E could be fighting a cold or a virus. If he's not currently fighting a germ, he's more susceptible to one with his neutrophil counts being low. My wife and I had our own medical appointments this week, but otherwise, we've mostly been at home. We're hoping the low neutrophil counts are just a small blip, and that E doesn't end up with a fever because I don't think we can hack a hospital stay at the moment.

I've been feeling extra stress the past couple of weeks, and I haven't felt overly motivated to write. I have a few drafts of ideas that I want to write about, but the words aren't coming out properly. All the way back to elementary & high school, I've never been one to write multiple drafts of work. I'd write once, edit as I go along, and then fake a rough copy if my teachers were anal enough to want to have a draft submitted along with the final work. What I have written seems forced to me, and it currently remains in draft so that I don't forget my ideas until I feel inspired to complete them. I still have a thank you/gratitude post half done that is about Christmas, but I just still don't feel like I'm in a positive enough frame of mind to complete it properly. Many times I write, because it feels cathartic to concretely put my swirling thoughts down in written form. For me, this blog is similar to scooping ice cream into a bowl. The negativity, or stressful thoughts are scooped out of my head where I put them into this space in the form of words and sentences. Naming them, and writing them out makes me feel better, I guess because I can work through specific issues, thoughts, or feelings. I gave up my insecurities about sharing personal thoughs fairly early on. If someone thinks any less of me for writing down honest feelings about my son's life threatening illness, that is their problem, not mine. Lately though, I've felt completely overwhelmed by many different sources of stressful thoughts. My mind feels muddy in a way that I'm finding it difficult to focus on each of the specific things that are bothering me. Jumping from thought to thought, and from worry to worry, I suppose that is why I have a few ideas in draft, and the feeling that what I have written seems forced.

Here's to hoping for lowered anxiety, and calmer thoughts.